Fathers, Love Your Daughters
I had a really great dad. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he loved us with his whole heart, and he really demonstrated what it should look like for a husband to love and honor his wife, and what it should look like for a father to love, protect, and guide his children. I was truly so blessed. I was also a huge daddy’s girl. Anywhere my dad was, that’s where I wanted to be. I felt safe and protected, loved and valued, and everything else a little girl should feel from her dad. It was wonderful.
When I was six years old, he was diagnosed with leukemia. At six, I didn’t entirely understand what cancer was, but I definitely knew that it had the power to take my dad from me. I began to have a fear that I am still working to get rid of today. It was this indescribable feeling that I was going to lose those that I love. I didn’t know that’s what I was feeling back then. All I knew was that my dad was sick and he might not be here forever. Now looking back, and knowing the fears I have struggled with ever since, I can see that’s where it all started for me.
When my dad was sick, everything I knew about life suddenly changed. My hero and protector suddenly became weak and frail. I remember an incident when this was really highlighted for me. We were getting ready to go to church one winter, and our driveway had spots of ice around the cars. My dad slipped and fell on it, and I remember the instant fear and worry I felt. He was so sick and weak, and I knew that. I was so scared of what that one fall might do to him. My brother and I rushed to help him up and make sure he was okay. I feared that we would have to take him to the hospital, or that he would have to stay home and not be able to come to church with us. Isn’t that strange? No child should have to worry about their parent like that. It’s not supposed to be that way. But it was. I felt the need to look out for him, even though it should be the other way around. He battled cancer for nearly four years, and during that time, he was in and out of the hospital a lot. He missed birthdays, Christmases, school performances, family time, and so much more. Suddenly, just the thought of him not being able to make it to church with us was devastating.
He passed away two months before I turned ten. That was one of the hardest days of my life. It’s weird how you remember little, insignificant details about days like that. I remember things like putting my socks on, and what the weather was like, and the face of the nurse watching me cry to my mom in the emergency room. Little things that are so unimportant, yet they stick with you. But more importantly, I remember how I changed after that day. I was in fourth grade, getting read to enter into my pre-teen years and all the things that come with puberty. I firmly believe that is one of the most important times in a girl’s life for her to have her father. It’s a time in life when you really start to question your value. You start noticing boys, and even more so, how much boys notice you. You start to wonder if you’re pretty, if you’re likable, if you’re worthy of love. Fathers are meant to speak these things into their daughters. They are meant to show them what it looks like to be loved and valued, to be sought after, cared for, and protected. I believe that one of the biggest reasons young girls have so many self-esteem issues is a lack of fathers speaking love and life into their daughters. Sometimes that’s by choice, in situations where men leave their families or just aren’t truly present. Sometimes it’s not, like in my situation. But either way, it leaves a devastating impact on young girls (and boys, but I can’t speak to that experience).
After my dad died, I fell into what I can only describe as a pit, and I stayed in it for a long time. I struggled so much with my self-image, and I truly believed that I wasn’t worthy of love. I thought I was ugly, unwanted, and didn’t think that anyone actually liked me and wanted to be my friend. There was a lot going on at home that made it hard for me to feel safe, and I always felt like I had to have a guard up. I didn’t feel I had freedom to be myself, and that morphed into me believing that my true self wasn’t good or worthy. I felt unseen, unvalued, and unloved. All of this because I lost my dad. Crazy, right? But it’s true. I felt this way for years. Middle school, and specifically eighth grade, was especially hard. I remember my mom one day actually asked me if I thought I was depressed. I told her no, but I don’t think she agreed with that, and she definitely tried hard to speak life into me. But unfortunately, moms can’t always provide what fathers can, and vice versa. That’s why it’s so important to have both. That’s the way God intended for it to be.
Looking back, I do think I was in a season of depression. Unfortunately, we weren’t in a position to give my mental health the attention it probably needed, and I learned to cope on my own. The problem with doing that, however, is that usually the ways you learn to cope are unhealthy. I struggled a lot with perfectionism (and still do), and I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to perform well in every aspect of life. That’s something I’ll get into more another time, but I say all that to emphasize the hole that was left in me after my dad passed away. I was desperately searching for a source of love, and I thought that doing well in school and sports and familial responsibilities would make people see me as valuable, and therefore they would love me.
It took me a long time to realize that it doesn’t take any of that to be loved. But in order to come to that realization, I had to repair the hole that was left in the wake of my father’s death. I look at this process a lot like repairing a pot hole in the road. The only way to fix one long-term is to tear out that piece of road and replace it completely. No amount of concrete or asphalt filling will last if it’s just poured into the hole. It will just wear down again over time. The only way to keep the hole from coming back is to repave. That’s what I had to do. I had to repave the parts of my heart that were hurting and broken. When it comes to father wounds, the only thing that can repave is a relationship with the heavenly Father, and an understanding that He is the only one who can ever heal wounds left by your earthly father. As I said before, I had a great dad. But the wounds of losing him are still there. I had to come to a point where I was so broken, and so tired of the temporary fills, that I had nowhere else to turn but to God. In Him, I found so much more than I could have ever asked for. I was able to receive love again, and really believe that I was worthy of it. I was able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate the person staring back at me. I had a newfound hope, and I knew that no matter my circumstances, I was valued, loved, and protected by my Father.
This doesn’t mean I stopped missing my dad. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish he were here. I long to have him with me for my best moments and my worst. I wish he could have seen me graduate, and scared all my boyfriends, and walked me down the aisle at my wedding. I wish I could go to him with all of my questions about life and God and marriage. Those longings and the hurt of missing him didn’t go away. But I regained the fundamental value that I lost when he died. I gained a Father who can guide me through life, comfort me in times of distress, and lift me up to a place higher than I ever though possible. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
So, to all the father’s out there, love your daughters. Teach them their worth and value. Help them to see that they are daughters of the King of Kings. And lead them to Him. Give them a foundation to build great faith upon. Don’t force them to do it, simply lead by example, and they will follow.
And to all the daughters, whether you’ve received these things from your father or not, know that you are more worthy of love than you will ever understand. Know that nothing will ever be able to diminish your worth, no matter how dark your pit may seem. And know that your heavenly Father is there for you, even when you don’t acknowledge Him, and He will be there to help you repave if ever you need it.
Until next week!
